


Can't Believe

by Reibunriinta



Category: Magi: Adventure of Sinbad (Anime), Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Drama, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, bc we can never have too many fics abt everyone grieving after the war asdfgh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 09:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15860907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reibunriinta/pseuds/Reibunriinta
Summary: After the death of his adoptive brothers and mother, Ja'far is left devastated. Blaming himself for their deaths and feeling lost without them, he's left to question everything in his life most importantly his place in Hinahoho's family.





	Can't Believe

**Author's Note:**

> As a fandom, we need to have more angst gen fics that happened after the war since we didn't see anyone grieving in canon afterwards sO ENJOY THIS SUFFERING. As mentioned in the tags there are themes of suicidal thoughts, mention of child abuse, and slight self-harm so be careful reading if those are things that make you uncomfortable. That said, enjoy the fic!

The morning after the tragedy was always the hardest. Ja’far thought that when he was still a little kid when he woke up one morning and his mother and father weren’t there and he couldn’t remember why. He’d gotten up and looked around in childlike wonder, his parents were just off on a mission somewhere, right? They’d come back, right?

That morning it only took him a few more minutes to remember their corpses were in the ground somewhere, that he’d killed them both. He spent the next four years constantly being reminded that every instance of abuse, every fresh wave of loneliness or misery, every time he awoke crying for a mother who wasn’t there, all of that had been his own fault. That’s what Shaka always told him, it’s what he’d been taught and it’s all he knew.

He used to punish himself for it sometimes as though that hell hadn’t been punishment enough.

Rurumu had taught him it wasn’t his fault. He’d been manipulated from the start. He was a child. If he’d tried to refuse he’d have just been killed himself, he didn’t have a choice. None of that was his own fault, that’s what she’d insisted time and time again. He didn’t always believe it, not when he’d always felt differently, but eventually, he just accepted that as his truth. Rurumu was an honest person, she was intelligent, she wouldn’t lie to him. He’d agreed not to blame himself for those things.

_ Now he had so much worse to blame himself for. _

As the sunlight streamed through the small round window of his cabin in the ship, he scrunched up his nose and curled up more tightly. The sun wasn’t his friend today; he just wanted to go back to sleep. He must have had nightmares because tears were already staining his cheeks but he couldn’t recall a single spec of his dreams. He closed his eyes and rolled over but he was far too alert to go back to sleep.

Heaving a sigh he sat up and rubbed his eyes, blinking and looking around at the barren cabin. He’d only just had the strength to strip to his undergarments and collapse into his bed once he stopped panicking. He’d sobbed himself sick and then blacked out at some point but he barely remembered anything more than the moment he boarded the ship. He still stunk of blood and he knew he’d have to bathe before facing anyone lest the stench set them off.

Completely avoiding the mirror he turned to the nightstand where he’d set his knives. Pulling one of the blades up by its string, he ran his finger gently over the edges. As he traced the engraved patterns on the dagger he found his thoughts getting darker.

How many more Sham Lash assassins were still alive? After that battle was he the only one left? He could fix that problem right now if he wanted. No one was around to stop him. He could go quietly.

Taking a deep breath, he held the knife against his chest on instinct, just below the scar that rested there from that day he’d stabbed himself to save Masrur. Unlike that old moment, he had a killer’s intent this time as he felt the metal against his bare chest. He could end it all right then, it would have been so easy.

He took another deep breath in and then he was already moving to plunge the knife into his heart when he heard the knock on the door.

“Ja’far...are you awake?”

When he heard Hinahoho’s voice, Ja’far’s eyes widened and he dropped his weapon. What had he been thinking? That he would just take his own life and that’d be the end of it? Sure, it’d be the end for him but what about everyone else?

“Ja’far?”

Sighing, Ja’far nodded and managed to speak with a hoarse voice. “I’m awake.”

He could hear the worry in Hinahoho’s voice as the man replied. “Alright, we’ve made breakfast for everyone...come on out once you’re ready, okay?”

“Yes sir,” Ja’far answered and didn’t move again until the other had shuffled away.

He didn’t doubt that he deserved to die for what he’d done but Ja’far didn’t ever want the others to have to find his body. They’d already lost so many others they loved, losing him too wouldn’t help anything at all.

Once he’d stripped to bathe himself, Ja’far looked down at the bright blue scales that snaked up his torso to his chest and grimaced. He had no idea how to manage those; he ate snakes, he didn’t take care of them. He wondered if he’d just figure out what to do eventually or maybe he was overthinking things and it was hardly different from the rest of him. He didn’t know or at the moment care though, he just needed to bathe.

When he looked into the clear water and saw the face of a scared child, someone vulnerable and wounded, someone who might cry for help, he scowled and plunged his head into the water. His reflection was gone in an instant along with his oxygen.  With his eyes snapped shut he could hear the dead man’s voice ringing from his memories.

“If you’ve tears to shed then drown in them!” Maybe it was because Shaka’s voice was fresher in his mind than ever but it was as though Ja’far had actually heard it.

When his lungs began to ache he reluctantly pulled away, gasping for breath the moment his lips touched the cold air. His hair dripped ice cold water down his neck and back but he could breathe. He wasn’t crying anymore, just like he’d stopped whenever he’d been punished like that. He knew it was terrible, he knew he should never imitate the things they did to him, but right now it was all he knew to do.

He bathed himself quickly after that, shivering as the cold water stung his skin. He didn’t care enough to try and use warmer water, he could stand a little cold to wake him up, couldn’t he?

Once he was dressed and had aggressively smacked through his hair with a brush, he heaved a sigh and made his way from his cabin to get some breakfast.

Everyone was quiet as he joined them at the table. He didn’t want to be suspicious or make things awkward, so he quietly filled his plate and sat down next to Masrur without looking at anyone. He wasn’t really hungry but he didn’t want anyone asking why he wasn’t eating so he quickly forced the food down his throat. He was used to eating much more quickly but he wasn’t worried about poison right now, these people wouldn’t want to kill him and even if they did he deserved it after all he’d done to them.

Once everyone began to finish their breakfast and left Ja’far made to follow suit only to be stopped by a soft hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he looked up at Hinahoho just a moment before hanging his head. “Yeah?”

“Hey...I know you’re going to want to help out a lot but we’re all doing our parts too...so make sure and take some time to rest today, okay?” The man was clearly worried. Since Drakon had talked some sense into him, Hinahoho’s only thoughts had been for the others and for his children. Ja’far thought it ironic that he was being lectured about working too hard when he knew Hinahoho hadn’t had a moment to himself.

He nodded, not daring to look up again. “Yes sir, I will.”

He left before Hinahoho could ask any more questions, he really didn’t feel like talking right now. He knew as soon as he opened up he’d fall apart and that’s the last thing anyone needed from him.

…

Ja’far spent the rest of the morning working hard wherever and with whoever would allow him. He helped to navigate the ship, he delivered messages back and forth, he helped clean the deck and anything else he could use to distract himself. The whole time he kept his head down and only spoke when asked a question. He knew everyone was surprised about it, usually, he was a good leader but today he couldn’t be trusted with any of that. He just wanted to make himself useful somehow because if he wasn’t useful to the others he had no reason to live right now. He wasn’t living for himself, after all, he was living so his family wouldn’t have to see another body.

Eventually, he was handed a sack lunch and instructed to go take some time to eat and rest so he went and found the first quiet corner where he thought he could be alone. He rested against a crate and looked up at the sky for a moment before setting his lunch aside. He didn’t want to waste it but he didn’t feel like eating.

“Talky baby?!”

Ja’far looked up to see his little brother standing over him and felt horrible suddenly. Kikiriku was the last person he needed to be around right now; he’d much rather die than face his brother in fact but he knew he couldn’t turn him away. Kikiriku had held his baby brother from the moment he boarded the ship onward. He wouldn’t let him go when Hinahoho came for his children.

“I’m holding him for mommy,” he’d said. “I’m waiting for mommy, where’s mommy?”

In the end, he’d conceded but he still hadn’t realized what had happened to Rurumu. He’d seen it happen, he’d seen her get impaled so many times her lifeless body was staked to the spot, still standing when they found her. He’d been a witness to that but he was too young to fully understand it. He knew his mother was hurt badly and that she wasn’t here with him but he thought she was alive somewhere.

Ja’far swallowed hard and forced the tightest smile he’d ever had in his life, raising a hand as if to wave. “He-hey buddy!”

The four-year-old came and sat next to him as he usually did, looking at him anxiously. “Where’s Vittee and Mahee?”

Ja’far’s eyes stung but he refused to cry in front of his baby brother. “They’re...they’re with Rurumu…” He shuddered as he said it, his hands trembling as he forced it all away.

Kikiriku looked him over a few times in evident concern and curiosity. “You’re sad…” he observed quietly, poking his older brother on the cheek as though that might make him feel better.

Ja’far fought desperately not to start crying as he nodded stiffly. “A little bit.” His voice cracked as he spoke but he didn’t cry.

His composure finally broke as Kikiriku wrapped his arms around his big brother to comfort him. Crying softly then, Ja’far was quick to embrace the child but felt as though he might throw up. Everyone died because of him and his selfishness; he’d stolen this child’s mother from him and Kikiriku was comforting him because of it. That was wrong, this was all wrong. Suddenly, Ja’far felt guiltier than he ever had in his entire life.

He was just so fucking sorry.

…

  
  


Ja’far forced himself to eat his lunch the moment Kikiriku went away, gagging as he forced it down his throat as quickly as possible before standing slowly and stretching. He couldn’t be staying idle like this so he’d find something useful to do.

Once he walked out onto the deck he became aware of the sound of a child crying and followed it to see a little boy all alone, looking around for someone or something. Frowning, Ja’far approached and knelt down in front of him. “Hey little one, do you need some help?”

The child looked up at him in evident relief, crying still as he nodded. “Want mommy!”

Ja’far felt like he’d been stabbed in the gut to hear that at a time like this but he tried to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. “Did you get separated? Did she come here on the boat with you?”

He thought a minute before nodding. “She said stay...but she’s still gone.”

Forcing himself to smile softly, he held out his hand for the boy to hold onto. “Would you like me to help you look for her?”

The little boy nodded, wiping his tears away before taking his hand. The two of them went looking for his mother then, asking around as to where she might be. After just a little while they found her, she’d been getting food for the both of them still and was on her way back.

“Mommy!” As soon as he saw his mother, the little boy went running up to her and all but leapt into her arms.

The young mother smiled and lifted her son effortlessly, face falling as he began to cry and clung tightly to her shirt. “Oh dear...I was just getting our food, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Don’t leave me, mommy! Don’t leave me!” The little boy sobbed and his mother set down their food so she could hold him tightly.

“Hey, mommy’s not going anywhere, okay?” She wiped his tears away with her sleeve and planted a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll always be here to keep you safe, my little angel.”

“Promise?” He asked, looking up at her with doe eyes.

“I promise!”

As the two of them unpacked their lunch and the mother put on a brave face, Ja’far smiled but tears were streaming down his face. He knew it was wrong to miss Rurumu. He knew he had no right when all of this was his fault and he should never have been so selfish as to consider her his mother. He knew all that and yet he just needed his adoptive mother to hold him like that. He needed so desperately for her to be there and for her to say he was going to be okay just like she always did but she wasn’t here and everything wasn’t okay.

Everything was the opposite of okay.

“Ja’far…”

Turning then, he noticed Saher was standing beside him. He hadn’t heard her come up to him but here she was with tears in her eyes as she watched him. He was about to ask if she was alright, if she needed anything from him, when she held out her hand.

Eyebrows knitting together, he took her hand and was immediately pulled into a hug. That was something he hadn’t been expecting and he felt a little guilty but since she was crying already he thought maybe she needed it too. He hugged her back awkwardly, patting her back a bit and wondering how long it would last.

The gesture was certainly kind but Ja’far just felt uncomfortable with it. She’d never been particularly close to him but he knew she’d lost her family that day too. Everyone was losing family lately, weren’t they?

At that moment, embracing someone who he barely knew, Ja’far suddenly had the impression that this would be the rest of his life. He’d worry everyone with anything he did and then he’d never be truly happy.

…

A week all passed in a blur and Ja’far still was only going through the motions. He did all he could to keep himself feeling numb and he’d just barely managed not to do anything further to hurt himself. Instead, despite Hinahoho pleading otherwise, he’d kept himself busy every moment he wasn’t sleeping. His pillow was nearly in tatters from him lashing out due to nightmares but he was too ashamed to show anyone or ask for another one.

In his life, he’d seen more horrors than he thought possible but war was by far the worst most heinous of all. He knew that things would never be the same.

When he heard the heavy strides of Hinahoho, heavier than they used to be these days, he knew the time had come for his lecture. He could practically hear it already. “You’re working too hard.” “You need to take better care of yourself.”

Hinahoho would never say what really needed to be said. He, like everyone there, was far too kind to acknowledge the truth. Even after all he’d done and all he’d failed to do, even though by all account Ja’far was a traitor by the very nature of his upbringing, Hinahoho would never say what he must really be thinking, that Ja’far was not and would never be his family.

Forcing himself to stand, Ja’far tiredly made his way to the cabin door and let the giant in. Hinahoho thanked him and sighed heavily. “Do you have a minute?”

Ja’far hung his head, nodding politely. “Yes sir...is there something you need?”

He was quiet for a moment but then he nodded and sat down carefully on Ja’far’s bed, patting it to invite him to sit. “I just need to talk to you for a bit...I’ve been getting worried.”

Ja’far did as instructed but still continued to stare at the floor. “Sorry.”

Hinahoho shook his head. “No need to apologize, Ja’far…I’m not worried because you’ve done something wrong but...I’ve never seen you like this. You’ve become so quiet...usually, you’re so confident and outspoken, it’s something I’ve come to admire ya’know? Lately, though, you’ve been keeping your head down, you’ve been down on yourself, right? Have you been doing it on purpose?”

Ja’far swallowed. This wasn’t about what he’d thought it would be and suddenly all the responses he’d had prepared were irrelevant. He pressed his lips together a moment but deciding to tell the truth, he nodded. “Yes...I just thought the last thing anyone needs right now is this…” He gestured vaguely at himself, trying hard to keep his voice from cracking. “This mess of a person right here…”

“Hm...I understand how you feel but you don’t have to keep everything bottled up...we’re here to help you too.”

Ja’far shook his head. “No, you don’t know how I feel. And I hope none of you will ever know how I feel either because none of you deserved this.”

Hinahoho sighed, resting a careful hand on his son’s shoulder. “You don’t deserve this either.”

Ja’far forced his hand away, all but falling off the bed as he whirled around, tears welling up in his eyes. “Don’t tell me what I deserve!”

Standing, he turned his back and tugged on his hair, trying to fight the tears but they came anyway. “Everyone here has always been amazing and kind! Even after everything you still try to help me but why?! If you were anyone else you’d have driven me out by now! Thrown me overboard or maybe had your fun torturing me...that’s what makes sense to me, not this!”

“Why would we? Ja’far, you’re my son, I would never think of hurting you!” Hinahoho protested.

Ja’far didn’t turn to look at him, his tears drying up in his bitterness. “No...I’m not your son. I-I thought I was...for a while I let myself get caught up in it. You and Rurumu were everything parents should be. You’re kind and you’d do anything to protect your children but...I don’t belong with you guys, I don’t deserve to be protected. All I’ve done is ruin what you could have had…”

“What are you talking about? You didn’t ruin anything…”

“Your wife was murdered, Hinahoho!” Ja’far exclaimed, whirling around to face the other, tears welling up in his eyes again. “I am the former chief of the monsters that killed her! They came knowing I was there, ready to slaughter us because of my stupid mistakes!”

He clutched his arm, grimacing. “Back in Valefor’s dungeon, I made my decision because I thought ‘Oh, Sinbad is so powerful they won’t come after us!’. I took the lead and escaped with you all because I wanted to know what it was like to live a real life and because I...I-I just wanted everyone to be happy!” He sobbed then, hiding his face. “I led Vittel and Mahad to their deaths. I joined your family knowing I was cursed and now she’s gone and the kids will never really know their mother because I was selfish! How in Solomon’s name could you ever consider me your child knowing I took everything from you?!”

As he began to sob harder, Hinahoho watched helplessly a moment before he came and knelt down, gently pulling Ja’far into his arms to comfort him. His son didn’t fight it then, clutching at his shirt and allowing himself to sob. He just felt so terrible. His existence had done nothing but bring death and suffering to everyone. His birth parents, Vittel and Mahad, and Rurumu. Maybe if he’d never been born they would be happy and alive right now. That wasn’t true, he knew Vittel and Mahad would be dead still, and Sham Lash might have still attacked but he wasn’t thinking of that right now, he just wished he was dead.

Hinahoho rubbed his back and let him cry it out for a long while, then once he’d gone quiet, he sighed and spoke up softly. “When Rurumu and I adopted you we knew the risks we were taking. That day in Imuchakk was as much warning as we needed, right? They said they’d be back, you said it too and we knew that was a possibility from the start. Rurumu she...she never was afraid of it. She said if even a single person wanted to hurt you again they would have to go through her first and I felt exactly the same way. She loved you and I love you even still…”

“But why...all I’ve ever been is one big mistake!”

“No, you haven’t.” He stated firmly, stroking Ja’far’s hair to soothe him. “None of this is your fault, Ja’far. That man was one of Barbarossa’s generals and Sham Lash was at his disposal, they would have attacked even had you not been there. You didn’t cause that...but you did defeat him and you did protect as many people as you could have! None of us are to blame for what happened...I know it feels terrible. I failed to protect the person I promised to always...but even I am not to blame. Do you think Rurumu would want you to think you’re a mistake? Do you think she would ever blame you for just wanting to live safely with people who love you?”

Listening carefully, Ja’far shook his head. He knew Rurumu would never blame him. She’d be crying right along with him right now, furious that anyone had ever made him feel at fault. That was just the kind of mother she was. He was quiet for a long minute before he finally spoke up softly. “Are you sure you really still want me?”   

Hinahoho huffed. “Still want you? I need you now more than ever. You’re my son, more than anything I just want you and the kids to be safe and happy. I’m not giving up on you so don’t go thinking it’s time to quit, okay?”

Nodding, Ja’far hugged his father tightly. “Okay...thanks dad...I’m sorry I made you worry.”

 

“Hey, I’m your dad, being worried is my job.” Hinahoho joked weakly.

Ja’far knew things wouldn’t get better right away. He still felt awful, he was still so scared of what the future held, and he still hadn’t the faintest idea what he’d do with himself but he decided to just focus on the present. Right now he wasn’t alone, no one was angry, and if Hinahoho insisted this wasn’t his fault then he’d just have to learn to believe it. Eventually, he thought things would start to feel okay again but even if they didn’t at least he knew he’d always have his family.  


End file.
